Memory Lane
                           -Acknowledgment to Life -

                                        Garden view/sunset of my childhood home Romania summer 2013!

     .... Swift glance at my lived days so far down the memory lane  I can say that:
  

           I was borned in Romania the veritable land of  Notorious Dracula, in a little forgotten village close to green hills full of life on Summer days and frozen white in Winters, mountains, running springs of fresh water and lush forests. We lived in a small farm growing crops animals for sustainability, and farmed the land just as everyone else in the village. I have grown learning all there is to know when you live in the so called " primitive village life" from the simple house holding care, of making stove fire, cutting wood manually, planting crops,  vegetable, trees, vine, and how to manage them, taking care of animals,sewing cooking, making jams, Knitting, weaving,singing dancing( Inspired by my Father as he loved his folkloric music and many times we spent listening to his tunes singing passionately about life, also he is the one who taught me even from my toddler days how to dance folk dances, I remember I was sitting on his feet while he was holding me by my arms and marking steps for me so I could dance with him!)   
              OOoooohhhhhhhh and also my dad also is guilty of making sure I got some carpentry skills in when I was growing as a child, that was one of his most loved passions and he made sure I will  know as much as he does, even though at that time I had no real interest in  being his faithful assistant or knowing  all about  his Workshop tools and Wood creations which he tortured me with on  my childhood days. How I appreciate it now when I look back at those beautiful simple days, and how I have as living testimony  all those lived days/weeks/years  in all the work in the house. Chairs, tables, decorative artisans, Chess Set, everytime I go home and touch any of this pieces I know they hold life, memories, hard work, laughter, emotions, conversations and you name it... they have a piece of ''ME'' of my Dad, of our precious days immersed in teachings and manual works. 

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             As a child and teenager  I  wanted to get away from the ''Countryside'' & ''Peasant" life. When overwhelmed by the heavy duties of village life I always found refuge in a old cherry tree in the back garden( a garden in my village is around 1/3 acres of land) That was majestically overlooking the gardens and forest around.    Ahhhh climbing on the heavy thick trunk, going to my favorite spot on a far branch, I was sitting there feet hanging watching the summer sunsets, listening to the joyous birds, smelling the freshness all around me, alone in that vastness and Day  Dreeaaaammmmiiinnnggggg!!!!!!



......   DREAMS DREAMS Drrreaaaammsssssssssssssssssss!









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             That simplicity and way of ''organic living'' was just not so appealing to me! I wanted to be in the Big Cities, dreamed of buzzing life, technology and modernity, wanted to be part of the Bigger World. Looking at my limited options of making it anywhere, for a short period of time I was complacent with just working on the clothing making factory in a nearby city, but that did not last too long  as my longing to be somewhere else soon made it's way into a major priority.
             At only 20 years  of age i've made it to London the city of my dreams and where it     "all happens" so I thought.
             ........ and it was indeed the place that will have me transformed over & over & over.
            It was my dream since I was a little younger than 18, I had it that the first place I will emigrate to would be United Kingdom  and definitely seeing myself nowhere else but London.      Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhh sweet memory lane, and how I remember the day when I arrived 16 may 2003 hehehe... coming out of the little metal rusted box where I was hidden for more than 10 hours underneath a truck that was transporting goods to UK. Yeeppp I did it!
              Dressed in a black tracksuit, dirty from all the rusted metal, with a small black backpack, my only belongings being very few clothes changes and a little piggy-pink coins pouch that I named Delly and was my faithful companion at all times as I strongly believed it was going to bring me ''luck'' and ''protection'' in my new venture, and my days be blessed it did indeed. My faith was so strong that surely at that time it was my Lucky Charm!

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              I have arrived to UK with a bag full of dreams, a open heart and grand ambitions. The happiness and exhilarating energy I felt running through my veins, the joy of being here, of finally setting foot on my Dreamland I have visioned for a few years have melted any barriers I could encounter along the way, and any obstacle I fought so zealously were no match to the immense gratitude & happiness beaming from my open heart.

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              Here I AM years later, looking back at all my life adventures, looking back at that dreaming child, at that young gutsy girl that have grown and bloomed into this beautiful woman, that young passionate soul that have transferred all of that to who I AM today. I THANK YOU for being so courageous and for taking ON, all that life have thrown at you, I THANK YOU for your clumsy silly steps have sharpened, quickened and grounded over the years, I THANK YOU for all you had/have to offer! There are soooooooo many pages to be filled in this book called life and yet the ones I filled so far have transpired any expectations/adventures  I ever thought will come my way. Looking at my experiences so far  I Feel I lived countless lives within ONE!
              Ahhhhhhhhhhhh Blessed beyond imagination, gratefully gratefully always......
              So It Is!



                                       Codrin my brother and the flowering cherry tree! 

                               Family Garden portrait with my Muse( cherry tree)

New to this!!!!

                         I ''don't know'' how to do this!!!!!!!

........ Well the picture above kinda summarizes how I felt every time I thought of putting pen to paper or rather the constant mind chatter at rest and finally have a go at this thing we call writing, express your thoughts your inner creative self, blurt out whatever comes to you.  
         For every time  I had the good intention of getting to work i always found myself distracted by a avalanche of thoughts, whispering in my ear: im not good at this, who is ever going to read it? I need to do more research, I should do this, or that, ohhhh i need to go to work or whatever excuse under the sun, just not to do it! All this inner conversations left me exhausted mentally to the point that I will give up on the idea for a long time.  
        You see, in my mind I was comparing myself with everyone else there, the more blogs, article i read the more helpless i felt, because the immediate instinct I had, was to Compare myself or my ability to everyone out there. It took me a long time time to see how scared I actually was of a lost Dream that I declared into existence a while back, declaring how much I would love to write my own book and that I have stories to share and tell but never had the courage to do it. What a paradox? I want to/I have the inner Desire to write and share and the same time a mountain of thoughts on how I am not good at this, took over and reigned over this area for a few good years. 

       Hmmmm..........  No matter how many good books  or inspirational quotes I HAVE read,  until I actually realized myself on my own  from my inner clock/mechanism that nothing will ever change until I actually Transform my internal dialog about Who I am in this particular area. Waiting around for the perfect moment, for the perfect speech, or phrasing the most stylish, trendy approaches and fancy catchy words was gone bring me a big NOTHING, not even the slightest form of action on getting anything done....so what was there to do?

Well I had to had a little accident, nothing to worry a small knee injury, where I was not able to walk for a few days so I was on home arrest for a little while with a lot of time on myself. Firstly  I was doing some homework whatever I had to do and then it hit me, Why don't I start writing?... perhaps start with writing a blog, you don't have to start your book and finish it in a day or a month?!... Start a STEP  at a time. 
Firstly let all that comes to you out here, write it down, all the blurbs, thoughts and so on and then allow yourself to create from that space of being content happy and being You, however you are! There are no duplicates and you do not need to ''clone'' ANYONE on your way of being.
 I realized that everytime I compared myself  being in writing, dancing, healing, every time I tried to to fit anywhere,be like someone else I was not happy, always disconnected from my own Source and of course I was disempowered, how can I not be when I was feeding on the external attitude of my environment. No more Resistance to What Is!.....you know when you have a dream and when your heart speaks to you and you ignore it, it will always find a way to bring you back onto your path no matter how long it will take down the timeline, not matter how many crippling thoughts of criticism you brought upon yourself, IT WILL FIND A WAY! Just like the beautiful Rose that flowered gracefully out of a concrete path so is the power of your Inner Heart, it will always bring you face to face with what you were meant "To be'' 
How long it will take for you to get it( to get the message of your heart)? ...... well I don't know, it depends on each one of us, to me it took me a few good years to finally pluck the courage and write this piece out and just share what I honestly feel from my heart! No editing or fancy words, no long hours spent on how and what..... just pure flow allow to come to you whatever it is there! There is no perfect way of doing anything in life, Its just Your Way, Unique, Powerful, Beautiful, Strong, Inspiring, Bold, Courageous, Alive........
With Gratitude Always
       Ayanna